Campaign Junky

by Sandra Hugus

Started the night of the election, 2000
Revised endlessly until it was too late to get it on air on WOI-fm as an "Iowa Voice".

I shall mourn the passing of this election when it is finally over. Not that I was an ardent supporter of either of the candidates; far from it. I have always done my civic duty, winding up and walking to the polling place to cast my ballot with about as much zest as a robot, as informed as I was interested in the outcome. The attendant hoopla of campaign season was always something I just suffered through.

But not this year! This election has brought a lot of sheer entertainment into my life.

I don't watch commercial television, so a lot of the three-ring-circus-ishness that inevitably surrounds an election never reaches me.

However, being an independent in a state that is too close to call is an interesting phenomenon. This year, the major and minor parties outdid themselves to reach their constituents. TV, radio, telephone, internet... the myriad ways the parties vied for my vote were unprecedented in my experience.

I came home from work exhausted one night last week to see the answering machine light blinking. In this age when nearly everyone who talks to me is on line, that in itself is unusual.

I pushed the button, and discovered that BARBARA BUSH had taken the time to call! How extraordinary! Her not horribly tinny voice exhorted me to forgive her for her pride in her son, and call a number to support him.

Two nights later, it was General Swartzkoff, with the startling revelation that since we had trusted him with the lives of our sons and daughters, that we could also trust him in this, and call a number to support...

Then one of my favorite singers got into the act, Barbara Streisand! I was starting to be seriously impressed. Her message vibrated with the strength of her convictions.

Governor Vilsak called one night. No kidding. "Jess, the Governor!" I exclaimed. Wordlessly, I listened to part of the canned speech, then handed the phone to my visitor so he could be awed, too!

I'm jealous! I didn't realize the big guns on either side were indulging in the phone antics themselves, but he school secretary told me she hung up on Vice President Gore! I wonder what on earth he said to tick her off that badly...

And one western based email correspondent lamented, "I even heard Jeb was calling the West Coast before the poles shut down out here after the FL debacle was announced. But I can't even get Jesse Jackson to call me, even though he hit all the neighbors."

The last night, an actual, flesh and blood person called to timidly request that I remember to do my duty and vote.

I was polled by the gun folks, the farm folks, the abortion folks, the crime prevention folks, and the people who wanted to know if I raised pigs. The gun pollster got so involved in asking me the questions that he departed from his script and indulged in a free fall discussion for over 20 minutes! Heaven only knows what he marked down, as I could not resist playing the devil's advocate to his more outlandish oversimplifications. I did the same thing with the abortion poller, but that one stuck on task. I really got the pig lady going, though.

Even my classical radio station aired an exceedingly oddball third party commercial, surrounded both fore and aft with notifications that the views expressed were NOT those of the station nor its personnel...during prime time, no less. I've never heard anything like THAT before!

The e-mail was full of the ridiculous trying to persuade us that it was sensible. Gore murders people. (Oh, yeah? Then why isn't he in prison, serving time?)

Bush got a girl pregnant, and she MIGHT have had an abortion BEFORE Roe v. Wade. (Really? The whole rest of the article was an explanation for why the sites that displayed that information were no longer available. Surprise!)

Bush didn't come clean on a DUI. And he's pushing the fact that he's the one with the GOOD character? Does most of the world run around with DUI convictions? continued the email. (That's the only one that everyone acknowledges is true.)

One web site surfaced that offered to trade votes -- Gore in a contested state for Nader in one that wasn't.

Republicans vote on Tues., Democrats on Wed., and Independents on Thurs. said one official sounding piece. Later versions had the party affiliations reversed, and added disclaimers that acknowledged that it was ILLEGAL to do anything that might dissuade people from voting, and ended up with "THIS IS A JOKE, folks, a JOKE". (Is that so? Have you considered Florida?)

Soon, the hoax buster web site was full of how to track the course of the prank, and how the major parties were reacting to it...

Clinton bashing also had a good go.

I had 78 emails on the Fri. night preceding the election alone! I found myself forwarding the latest batch of happenings, with commentary, to my friends and relatives. That pace was proving to be exhausting, what with the phone calls, and all.

And we were inundated with endless stories about the DEAD MAN who used to be the Governor of Missouri who was STILL running for Congress! He had been killed in a plane crash two weeks prior to the election, too late to pull his name from the ballot. Does anyone really CARE that his wife sat around the kitchen table with him during the strategy sessions?

Election night, I was too pooped to make it to the closing of the west coast polls. But the ride had been exhilarating, I reflected, as my head hit the pillow.

I had to face the truth: I had evolved into a campaign junky!

I awoke the morning after depressed. This was the end. No more campaign hogging the headlines. Glumly, I turned on the radio.

Instantaneously, my mood lifted with the start of the 7:00 a.m. news! Imagine how surprised I was to discover not only that stubborn ol' Missouri had elected THE DEAD MAN to Congress, but we did not have a President yet!

Live on, campaign, live on! May Florida recounts last forever!